Mom's Role in the Wedding

Before I start this off, can I just say in big quotation marks "NOT AS PLANNER". I was just listening to my morning radio show and they were having guests call in and comment on if you should hire a wedding planner or not (of course all of them said yes, and so long as you can afford it) and a mother called in with a story I've heard one too many times. When her oldest daughter got engaged this woman's husband said they should just hire a wedding planner. She declined, telling him "oh no, we can do this on our own, her and I" and yet she was calling in to say "I was wrong! Do not try to do this on your own!". A mother's role should in a wedding should NOT be as wedding planner.

Now let me also say that this isn't to mean she doesn't play a big part in the planning. But first and foremost on that very special day, she shouldn't be stressing about if the florist showed up or if the caterer has the food ready on time. The fact is that it's her day almost as much as it's your day (some mothers seem to even think it's more their day than yours sadly) and you should grant her the peace and serenity of being able to enjoy it.

Of course, like I said above, let your mom be as involved as she wishes (or you want her to be) in things like picking out invitations, registering for gifts, visiting venues, and more. She can even throw the engagement party (possibly in conjunction with your future in-laws). In some cases, if you are throwing your wedding in your hometown but you live aways away, you may need your mother to make decisions for you and be more involved in the planning than is typical.

Obviously the bride's mother (and the groom's for his side) helps determine who will be on the guest list. Parents are usually given a portion of the guest list (say 1/3 or less per side of the total) to fill with those friends and family they and you deem necessary. Don't be afraid though to have that serious conversation with mom about inviting too many people. If you give them a set limit they're more likely to follow it than giving them free range. Also, feel comfortable setting a rule, perhaps that if you don't know them, they aren't invited. Mom's often want to invite their friends, their hairdressers, and sometimes even old friends they ran into. You'll have to draw the line somewhere.

In some instances, though not common, your mom may actually be in your wedding. Mothers aren't typically considered a part of the bridal party, but sometimes a bride may ask her mother to be her matron of honor. This then gives the mother additional wedding day duties. In Jewish weddings, the mother walks the bride down the aisle along with her father. This may be a way (even in a christian ceremony) of making your mom feel more important. As a girl raised by a single mother for a great portion of my life, it was always goingto be my mom who got to answer "who gives this woman to this man?" with "I do!".

Your mom will likely attend most of your bridal showers, but it's against etiquette for her to throw any. The reasoning being it may appear that she is soliciting people for gifts for her daughter. Much more appropriate to have a friend or other family member complete this task. If you have a bachelorette party going-away-weekend, maybe your mom might help complete the arrangements.

Of course many mothers find that their most important job is helping pick out the wedding dress. I think it's likely a one-of-a-kind bonding moment between mother and daughter (having not done it yet myself). It's ok to go try on dresses by yourself at first, but if you think you're coming close to finding the right one, and you are on good terms with your mother, please make sure to invite her to this. Undoubtedly if your mom is like mine she'll have a lot of opinions (so feel free to bring other family members for additional support) but she has probably waited for this day for a long time. Don't let her miss it!

On the wedding day, you'll likely include your mom in the getting ready activities, and of course she'll take many photos with you. When it comes time for the ceremony, she will be the last one to enter before the bridal party (usually escorted by a son or groomsman, but can even be her husband who then goes back to get the bride) marking the start of the processional. If you choose to have a receiving line she will stand at the beginning of it. At your reception, should you have a head table which includes more than just you and your spouse, she often sits at the table or has her own parents table with the officiant. She'll also likely get a chance to dance with her now son-in-law or husband toward the beginning of the reception as well.

If you have any additional questions about roles for mom, please feel free to email me at triedandtrueweddings@gmail.com. Also remember that sometimes the wedding planning process may at times hinder your relationship with your mom, but it's important that you both have patience with each other and value the experience!

Happy Planning!

~A