Calling It Off...

When a couple gets engaged, they certainly aren't thinking about what to do if the relationship ends before the marriage, but for some couples it does become a reality. Just amongst my friends I've seen a few engagements called off in the past year or two and now I am dealing with my own. First off, I want to say to any potential bride or groom, that calling off a wedding (while stressful, disappointing, emotionally challenging, etc.) is not going to kill you, nor should you decide to stay in a marriage simply because you've already spent your or your parents' money and the wedding dress is hanging in the closet. As personal friends have already reminded me, the cost of divorce sometimes trumps the cost of your wedding, and it seems to be harder in other aspects as well. My belief is that everyone should marry for the "right reason" (whatever that is to them) and if you're not doing it for the right reason, then maybe you should think twice.

But whether he called it off or you did or you're simply postponing the wedding indefinitely to work on your relationship, there are steps you'll need to take and etiquette to remember.

First of all, if you've sent out invitations already, you'll need to send out some sort of notice that the wedding has been cancelled. Especially if it is close to the wedding date, having friends or family members call your guest list to tell them that the wedding is off is a great idea. With a little more time, it may be easier or more convenient to send a simple note. Etiquette says that you shouldn't describe why the wedding isn't happening, in fact it is improper. "Mr. and Mrs. Jones wish to inform you that the wedding of John Smith and Jane Doe has been cancelled/postponed," is all that is required. For couples in my position (i.e. a save-the-date has been sent but no invitation) there is no etiquette requiring whether you should or shouldn't send out notice, but you should probably at least inform anyone who might be flying or travelling a distance to the wedding, to ensure that they don't book tickets or accommodations for a wedding that isn't occurring.

If you have had an engagement party, wedding shower, etc., etiquette states that you should return any and all gifts to the person(s) you received them from, including things that are monogrammed. If you have already opened or used a gift, it is proper to buy something to give back to that person in its place. Now the reality is that most people won't take them back from you, and you'll get to keep them anyway, but you should always try first.

Also, if you've purchased items for the wedding and would like to get your money back, see if you have the receipts and try to return them. If it has been too long to return an item, try selling it on Craig's List or Ebay where another bride might be happy you were choosing to get rid of it. This should get you back some money. Your wedding dress or a few other items may be harder to return or sell, but think about keeping them too. You may use them in the future or may just want to keep them as a momento.

The next step is to notify your vendors. Everyone from your officiant to your florist to your musician will need to be notified ASAP. It's not always a rush, but usually the sooner you notify your vendor the more likely you are to have your deposit returned or at least a percentage of that deposit returned. I encourage brides to ask vendors who will not give back a deposit if they can use that deposit in any other way. When my mom cancelled her wedding in Oregon to move it to California, the photographer offered to use her deposit to pay for a book of her engagement photos and even offered that she could pass the deposit on to me, since I was engaged at the time. You may also ask (if you believe you'll be staying in the same area for a long time) that they hold on to that deposit for whenever you may choose to get married again. They may not agree, but it's worth a try. Most vendors are pretty nice about it unless you're giving them little notice. DO NOT get angry with a vendor for not returning your deposit when it was stated in your contract. Try to work with them instead, because you did agree to it when you signed the dotted line.

This should be obvious, but regardless of who calls off the wedding, do return the ring. I had a coworker whose son was engaged but his fiancee called it off and never gave back the engagement ring or wedding band (he was not very smart to have given her both before they were married). He was devastated and in addition was out a large sum of money. The legal rule, to my understanding, is that the only time a woman can keep her engagement ring is when it was given to her as a birthday or Christmas gift. So word to the wise, if you are about to propose to your girlfriend/boyfriend choose a day other than those two, or else you might regret it later.

Finally, remember that life goes on, and eventually you will be ok. You will naturally undergo some amount of grief, but not doing this can be worse for your health and your mental state. Take time to yourself, treat yourself well, and relax. Maybe spend more time with family or start a new hobby or just get away on a personal vacation for awhile. I guarantee you'll be much better off for having done it. Oh and try to find at least one reason to laugh each day. I think laughter is definitely the best medicine and you can't help but smile when you laugh.

If you are going through a similar situation and want someone to talk to I'm always here, in addition to being able to give other advice regarding canceling or postponing your wedding. My email is as always, triedandtrueweddings@gmail.com and I love being able to help out brides (former, future, or current) in need.

~A